Roshi Joan Halifax: Letter to Sangha regarding injury

Letter from Roshi Joan
Wednesday, Toronto Western Hospital

Friends,

I am writing a note to all of you in this way as so many have written and I am unable to respond personally to each of you. Know how much I appreciate your kindness in being in touch. Your caring means a lot to me right now, and I need encouragement and your presence in my life to get me through this next stage. So this little note is to say deep thanks for your compassion toward me and for all you have given to me.

For currency, last Friday morning, I fell on a very hard floor and sustained a serious fracture of my femur, the largest bone in the body. The upper trochanter broke into four pieces, as I hit the floor. I knew I was in serious trouble and politely called for help of my dear hosts Andrew Blake and Angie Delorio. I was transported by ambulance to Toronto Western Hospital and found myself tied to a gurney in the ER for the next thirty hours, giving me ample time to do Metta practice and tonglen for the numberless beings who streamed through the doors on a busy Friday the thirteenth weekend. I then was taken to the ortho floor and continued to wait for surgery, which finally happened Monday morning. These were long days.

The surgery was "successful" and I now have a metal plate and five screws in my upper leg. All this sounds rather straight forward but the usual complications have arisen, with loss of blood, transfusions, serious drop of blood pressure, serious drop in hemoglobin level, extreme pain and the side effects of pain, excessive edema, and so forth. Each complication requires an intervention, and one begins to see and experience the body as a planet with all its systems interconnected. If one goes down, they all go down. Also each intervention has its side effects, and I am seeing from this experience that we best be careful regarding our interventions to save our suffering world, as we could easily create a whole new set of symptoms.

So I am living with emergence right now, with don't-know mind, with the heart of the beginner. Being here in the hospital, of course, I am very concerned with my own healing process. But is it impossible for me to turn away from the suffering of others. So I have a rare opportunity to quietly practice tonglen and metta. In addition, I have been the recipient of so much kindness, and I am bathed in gratitude. Most of you have emailed me, sent me flowers, cards or called. The nurses and doctors have been utterly loving and fortunately competent. And my friends here in Canada, Angie and Andrew, and Upaya's Peg, who flew up here to be part of the care team, have been unstinting in their care and brought me great joy.

So please do not worry about things here in Canada. I am getting excellent care and support. But do pray for me. I am still in a complicated situation physically. Obviously I have quite a road ahead of me toward recovery. And I truly need your support for this part of the journey. I must not short shrift rehab. And I have to slow down. During the past years, my schedule has been too complex and I am frequently tired. And as my work in the world is reaching more people, most of you who know me well know that where there is a need, I will try to respond.

I am hoping Upaya will put up a link on the home page to a place where we can post updates, so you can stay informed about my situation. If not, certainly something will be included in the weekly newsletter. I hope to return home next week. The date has not been set. I am also hoping that a private plane can be available, as I am in a rather fragile condition, and cannot imagine navigating through the conventional airport system. Even as I write these words, I realize that this is a serious issue for me. I have no reserve and need all my working energy to deal with my current physical state.

Although my body is very vulnerable right now, my mind and heart feel clear. This is a blessing. I listen to the cries of anger and pain outside of my room and feel utter gratitude for my practice, realizing that some of my hospital comrades think that they have no resources to turn to during crisis. And I appreciate my friends. You have been a source of inspiration for me as I struggle to put my feet on the floor, which I did briefly yesterday with a great deal of help. Please feel free to be in touch by email. And we will send you updates as we are able.

A deep bow of gratitude from far away, rJoan

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